Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
40s are totally the cure
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
