I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
