Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
