I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
