I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
