I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
