There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
