i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
