i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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