I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
