Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
