Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
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