fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you had me at cake vodka
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
