Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
