Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
