At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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