whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
