Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
