Need sex. Gaining weight.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
