...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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