I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Houston, we have a blender
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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