I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
