Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
