I've blown a few things in my day
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
