I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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