If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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