I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
