I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
