Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
