Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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