she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
