Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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