she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
