if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
