Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I will be naked everywhere
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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