she woke up with a sticky ear
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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