I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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