1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
