i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
