Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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