Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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