Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
