omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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