i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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