I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
