Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I had to cum in my sink.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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