just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
