Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
