I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
