Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
