OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
